Friday, May 28, 2010

Blessings In Disguise

Life is funny sometimes. You never know what's really going to happen and all you can do is make educated guesses as to what's going to happen next. The old expression "when life gives you lemons, make lemonade" has been the running theme of this artist's life lately. I've had a horrible string of luck with my health lately which has forced me into taking a medical leave of absence from my job as an interior designer. In Canada as an employed individual I qualify for Employment Insurance for just such an emergency, but the downside is that it only pays me 55% of my regular income. However, money isn't everything.

The upside of all this is that I've had a chance to work on everything else that I can never find the time to do because I'm chained to the daily grind of my regular job which I have really grown to resent in the past year. It's not that being an interior designer is a bad job, it's just that when I could be spending my time making music, acting, singing and painting, designing kitchens and bathrooms for fussy, upper middle class, post-menopausal women all day really begins to lose it's luster.

In the past 2 weeks that I've had off, I've been able to start painting a mural to pay for my acting classes and voice over demo, I've been to 4 auditions, booked a role for a short film, written and recorded a song, met with a director friend of mine about an upcoming theatrical production and started writing this blog to help keep myself inspired and on track. I'm the sickest I've ever been, but I'm also the most alive.

Life is never predictable, it's like the ocean. Sometimes it's calm, sometimes it's stormy, but it's always changing and we can't control it. All we can do is take the skills we've learned and talents we've been given and use them to ride the waves and keeps our heads above the water.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

"To Do" List Update - Success!

Well, I guess 2 out of 3 isn't bad for things to check off today's "to do" list. I didn't get to paint the super awesome pin-up painting for my partner Dan, but I did have a success in the acting arena.

I submitted myself for various student and independent films. The Vancouver Actor's Guide is a fabulous resource for "beginner" actors like myself to find auditions and other industry resources. There's a forum on there as well, and most of the other actors are very helpful and prompt when it comes to answering even the most basic questions. So, I submitted myself for 7 projects on VAG and I got 3 auditions so far out of it. Not too shabby. Actually it's probably because I bothered to shell out the extra cash for professional headshots.


Having a good headshot is really important early on in one's acting career as the resume will be quite lacking in credits. It's also good to have two headshots with different looks because it showcases the actor's versatility. I use the top headshot for roles that are sexy, wild, "bad" or alternative and the bottom one for younger, innocent, professional and more straight-laced characters.


I also checked out craigslist, and submitted for 3 projects and I did get one call out of it, but it sounds like it has about a 50% chance of being a little on the shady side, but I guess that's the risk you take when you go on craigslist for anything. Finally, I contacted 4 local reputable background agencies for extra work.

All in all, I'd say the working day was a success! Now on to the next step of preparing for these 3 auditions.

A "To Do" List

So today is May 26, 2010 and I'm feeling productive and inspired because I'm riding last night's wave of accomplishment, so I'm making myself a "to do" list for today.

1. Paint a sexy pin-up Irish themed "Happy Birthday" picture for Dan (my partner).
I have this thing with my paintings for Dan. I paint him pin-ups based on various events in our relationship together. Here's all the ones I've done so far, plus a little synopsis of the event or concept that inspired it.

"You Make My Head Swim" is about the night we met in at St. Pete's an Edmonton "gentleman's club." I was feeling like a fish out of water in Edmonton until I met Dan in a chance encounter VIP show.








"50cc's Of Your Love - Stat" Well...let's just say that we got passionately carried away on day and 13 times later I ended in the Emergency Room, but it was beautiful really because that's when I realized that I had fallen in love with him.







"The Ultimate Conquest" like all great art, it's about about "doing it." Only this time it's about conquering the libido.









"Sex Cauldron" This one is about our mutual love of The Simpson's episode where Principal Skinner and Mrs. Crabapple hook up and Helen Lovejoy accuses them of "Having S-E-X in front of the C-H-I-L-D-R-E-N" and then Krusty says, "Sex Cauldron?! I thought they shut that place down!" Anyway, Dan and I were out on a walk and started talking about that episode and laughing about that part in particular and Dan had mention that "Sex Cauldron" would be a great name for a Halloween-themed strip club, and that the sign could have a sexy witch with a cauldron on it. He painted such a vivid picture in my mind that I had to return the favour by painting it for him on a canvas.

"From The Bottom Of My Heart" was a Valentine's gift and I don't think any explanation is needed.










2. Submit myself for some student films so I can get a few more screen credits on my acting resume.
It's gotta get done, and it has been a while since I've exercised my acting muscles.

3. Submit my head shot to the local extra agencies.
Obviously my goal is not to be a career extra, but I'd like to make the best use of time of my hiatus from my interior design job and get as much on set experience as possible. Plus any extra cash right now isn't gonna hurt.

This list is starting to looking pretty ambitious so I'm going to stop adding to it and see if I can get it all done today. Here's hoping!

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Mission Accomplished


I love it when I can follow through my plans and they go off without a hitch. For the past week or so I've been vowing to myself and posting status updates on my facebook page that I've been working on a new song. Well, today I finally recorded the vocals and managed to do the mixing too. So it's been officially posted to my Borg Queen facebook fan page here http://www.facebook.com/pages/Borg-Queen-Music-Art-by-Jenny-Kirby/114645538575430?v=app_2436915755 It's titled The Bottom Of The Glass and as you can see here's the painting I did of the same title.
It's about the time in my life where things just couldn't have gotten any lower. I was horribly depressed, working as a stripper because I had just been laid off from my job as an artist for an indie video game company, and stuck in an abusive marriage drinking myself to death. My life had spiraled downward into an abyss that I had created for myself, and I felt completely helpless. Needless to say that I'm no longer there, and while it can be unsettling to revisit that time and place, it's strangely comforting and
inspiring to see how far I've come since then.

Monday, May 24, 2010

Frustration - A Journal Entry

Frustration! Seems like it's been the running theme of my life lately, and it's all come to a head now. The dog bites to the left side of my body are the icing on the bad medical luck cake that I've been force fed as of late. I've been suffering from some kind of neurological condition which has been very painful, but no definiative diagnosis yet. I'm not sure whats happening to me and so far neither are the doctors I've seen, but they've been tossing around ideas that range anywhere from stress, zoster sine herpete (shingles with no rach), post viral neuralgia, MS and brain tumors. Not only is the pain excruciating at times, but because I don't know which condition I have, I tend to think the worst. I've been mentally preparing myself for the worst.

Sometimes I'm entirely convinced that I don't have a lot of time left. I then comfort myself by telling myself that no one really knows how much time they actually have left. I could go out today with my family and be killed in a car accident 5 min. from my house.

I'm also just feeling so pissed off with myself for not working on anything music or art related for the past few days. I had big plans that involved painting a picture for Dan's birthday present, and recording some vocals and mixing a song, making and uploading some more videos for my YouTube channel http://www.youtube.com/user/BorgQueenMusic. I did none of it!!!!!! Arghhhhhhh!!!! I'm vowing to myself to at least record the vocals tommorrow.

I feel like I'm going nowhere sometimes, and I'm racing against time because I fear that I'll either be dead or not young and beautiful enough that anyone will care to be entertained by me. It's killing me literally, according to my faithful, loving life partner Dan. I wish I didn't care sometimes. I wish I wasn't so driven sometimes, but then I wouldn't be me and I'd sit at home all day watching Spongebob Squarepants while laughing at the misfortunes of others on epicfail.com, which hilariously enough in itself would qualify as an "Epic Fail."

I hope to God that tommorrow is a new day motivationally and inspirationally speaking, and I can just get on with my day and not worry about whether or not I will succeed in this life as far as an artistic career is concerned. It's frustrating me to no end. I'm going to attempt to relax and not think about being sick, or in pain, or success, or financial concerns, or fear of failure, because I am blessed. I have Dan's love whether or not I paint him pictures and my wonderful son Soren who thinks I'm the coolest person ever. That's what I'm going to focus on today, and nothing else.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

The Necessity Of Self-Indulgence

The fact that I'm blogging about myself as an artist is a pretty good indication of how self-indulgent I am. Artists in general are extremely self-indulgent, and the commercially successful artists are the ones who have learned to capitalize off it. Whether an artist is a writer, actor, musician or painter the bottom line is that the product they are selling is themselves. This makes a certain degree of self-indulgent behaviour a necessity for the career artist, but what happens when that oh so necessary trait spills over into our intimate relationships and begins to wreak havoc? Is it possible for the artist to be commercially successful and have a successful, monogamous lifetime partnership?

The answer is yes, BUT...


1. It's better not to get involved with another artist in the same field

There's a reason behind all of those divorces among Hollywood actors. Ego competition is a huge issue when it comes to pairing up with someone who is technically your competition. The artistic ego is huge, but extremely fragile. If it isn't constantly nurtured by the other partner, insecurities will begin to run rampant and conflict will ensue. There's also the jealousy factor. If both partners are equally as career driven and one achieves significantly more success it can cause feelings of resentment.

For me personally, I would never be able to date another visual artist, actor or musician. As much as we would have in common, I know myself too well, and I know that I would get competitive. It would probably drive me to succeed faster in the short run, but deep down I'd always be comparing myself to them artistically. I'll be the first to admit that when I'm taking a stroll through the Vancouver Art Gallery, I'm thinking to myself a lot of the time, "My stuff is equally as good if not better than half of this shit." I don't want to be thinking these thoughts about my life partner and their work. I think that's why my relationship with my partner works. He writes fantasy, and I have no interest in producing that genre in any medium whatsoever.


2. The artist's partner must be their #1 fan.

As artists we are our work, and we need to be recognized and applauded. As sad as this is, it's what validates us as people. It sounds sick, but that's why the artists gift is often the artist's curse. In every relationship, both parties need to feel loved and supported. For the artist, loving and supporting the artist's work is the same thing as loving and supporting the artist on a personal level. We wouldn't bother doing what we do publicly if it wasn't for our adoring fans, even if we just have one fan, and if we do just have one fan, it needs to be our partner.

I am very fortunate to finally have someone that is my #1 fan. He's my lifelong groupie, and I love him for it. Without his love of what I do, I wouldn't be driven to succeed like I am. My goal is to be able to one day be able to support him with the money that I make by just being me. In the mean time, I'll write songs and paint pictures about him, so he knows that it's not always just about me which brings me to my final point.


3. The artist must learn make a concentrated effort to not always make it just about themselves.

The artist has to accept and admit their self-indulgence. Much like the recovering alcoholic, this will free them to be able to take some responsibility for their behaviour. The artist must take and display a genuine interest in the other partner's life. I know this sounds obvious, but it's not something that comes naturally for the artist. It's not that we artists aren't interested in other people, it's more along the lines that we get so caught up in displaying ourselves constantly that we forget to show that we do think about other people.

Sometimes it's hard for the artist to get this because we are hard-wired to understand that we get attention by creating some kind of spectacular masterpiece. Also, most artists are introverted by nature and it's difficult to have to be the extrovert and take the first step to being sociable and starting a conversation, unless it's about something that we are an expert.

I personally find social situations awkward. I have a hard time at parties(unless I've been drinking) and social gatherings like family dinners and what not. I know that it comes across like I'm either very shy or antisocial, but I'm not. I love people and I have no problem being on a stage in front of thousands of them. I just have a hard time getting in on a group conversation, because I feel like I should only be talking if I have every body's full attention.

Thankfully, I know these things about myself and I know I have to make an effort to be more extroverted. After all, the product I am selling is myself and I'd hate to alienate my target audience.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Focus & Projects On The Go

I just realized that I needed to give this little blog more of a specific focus. Mostly this is just a way to be more accountable to myself and track my progress.

I guess the first thing on the agenda would be to introduce myself. I am a visual artist, actor, dancer, singer/songwriter & musician. I recently took a medical leave of absence from my day job as an interior designer due to a recently developed neurological condition. So now that I'm not tied down to the daily grind of 9-5 I'll have a lot more time on my hands to persue my artistic goals in acting, music and art.

I'll be posting my progress in each one of my artistic endeavors regularly in this blog.
ACTING
Currently, I'm in the process of putting together a headshot/resume/demo package to send out to principal agents for TV, film and voice acting work. Part of this little arrangement is that I've agreed to paint a mural in exchange for acting classes and a voiceover demo. So far I have the head shots done and I've been in classes regularly since August 2009, plus I've done most of my voices for the voiceover demo. I still have a lot of work to do, like paint the mural for payment of my classes, record an on camera demo, and put together a resume. I'm hoping that in the next couple of weeks I'll be able to get all of this done.

MUSIC & ART - BORG QUEEN
"Borg Queen" is an integrated musical & visual art project that I'm working on. My goal with this is to combine all of my talents into one project. I have a series of paintings I'm working on under the central theme of SEX, DRUGS & SHINY BRASS POLES, and I'm in the process of writing a song for each one. This is somewhat of a concept album/piece. It's about the life of a young woman who falls into addiction and gets swept up in the simultaneously appealing & repelling world of exotic entertainment. It's based upon my own personal experiences in the exotic entertainment industry. It chronicles my struggles with alcoholism, my recovery and sober life afterward in the most unlikely of places - a strip club.

These are the paintings I've completed so far:


SEX, DRUGS & SHINY BRASS POLES


THE BOTTOM OF THE GLASS

IT'S OVER

MY RESURRECTION
I've also set up a You Tube channel for this project at http://www.youtube.com/user/BorgQueenMusic
I'll be posting my songs there as I complete them.
Well that's it for now. It's time to start my day, get dressed, walk my dogs & start recording some vocals for my next song. Stay tuned.


For Artist's Normality(much like Nickelback) Is Highly Overrated

I am not normal. It's always been quite appearant that's the case, but here I am announcing it across cyberspace for everyone out there.

The status quo has more often than not illuded me. I've never quite understood why people base their choices of clothing, interior decorating, music, art, recreational activites on what's popular and by default normal. Why does someone paint their walls beige when clearly their favourite color is fuschia? Why are all the toys marketed to little girls pink? Why does almost every bride wear a white or off white dress when it's not necessarily a flattering color on her? Why are there so many Nickelback fans when the music itself is cookie-cutter generic pop-rock and Chad Kroeger's lyrics are so glaringly thick-headed and misogynistic?

The answer is fear. People are afraid to be different even if it means suppressing their true feelings, desires and selves. People are afraid of what other people think. Humans are innately self-centred making them self-conscious by nature. Artists who are successful are those people who firstly have been able to get past the fear of expressing their true self, and secondly get past the fear of failure that would prevent them from following their dreams.

As an artist(someone who is not normal) fear is the ultimate stumbling block for my ability to create. It's literally the only thing that can stop me. As a child I didn't play with pink things. I had a chemistry set and crayons. Heaven forbid I ever paint a wall beige! I paint murals on my walls at home, thank you very much. My first wedding dress was black and if I ever get married again I'll wear red. Why? Well, the real question is...why not? I like all of these things & they interest me, they turn me on, they're a reflection of my personal tastes and personality. I've come to realize that I do my best work artistically speaking whether it be acting, painting, singing, dancing or playing music when I get past the fear and just be myself, and as long as I just keep being myself I will never fail at anything I do...artistically speaking.